Church hurt, well, it’s a different kind of hurt. Most often when we are offended we engage our own familiar coping mechanisms which too often result in boundaries of self- isolation, or the resolution to simply cut all ties; completely severing the relationship. Unfortunately, this resolution has not proven to produce complete healing.
It seems to have become common practice to simply remove ourselves from the environment of offense; some find another church community, while others leave church fellowship all together.
We’ve been conditioned to believe it is easier to escape, than repair.
How do we manage the pain and keep the commandment? Or, how do you continue to voluntarily insert ourselves into a painful space?
If you are actively involved in your church, there will be many instances where you may experience hurt and offense, but these can also be seen as valuable opportunities of spiritual growth, maturity, and the display of love we seldom speak of; agape.
In all of its imperfections, there are no relationships forged like that of a church community. That said, the church, is a people set apart to declare God’s praises to the nations and called to become more like the people of God we are meant to be.
Communing with a community of people who go through life together, experiencing weddings, funerals, and baby showers doesn’t happen anywhere else the same way as in a church community.
So recovering from church hurt can be particularly painful because the church is supposed to be a safe place. We expect people to be honorable, to care, and meet our very personal emotional needs. Yet, because churches are comprised of imperfect people (like you and me), hurt at some level is almost inevitable.
But here’s where the rubber meets the road with church hurt- all inflicted church hurt may not be attributed as purposeful, malicious, acts of sin-but perhaps generations of brokenness, disillusionment, and disappointment; or ones inability to bring forth effective resolution.
Saving faith in Christ is not surprised by brokenness; it is never content or negligent with it either. Perhaps we would fare better with our hurts if we were to fully embrace the reason that we have hurt someone (external), or, are hurt by someone (internal).
I contend that when we pull back the curtain on church hurt, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt as bad, or last as long, if we focused more on why it hurt, and less on how much it hurt.
We miss the deeply rooted tentacles of behavior that tend to hurt others. We miss our own personal inability to forgive ourselves and thus it becomes even harder to forgive someone else in offense.
We miss the entrenched conditioning for telling other people our sorrows while circumventing the divine instructions to go to the offender and the offender alone to resolve the matter.
Following such poor conditioning makes quick resolution almost impossible.
But, there’s still another side to church hurt to be addressed. What if you’ve tried the divinely commanded approach of resolution, and the offender is combative, argumentative, displays a low level skill of listening only with their ears, not with their heart?
I speculate there is so much more to church hurt than hollow spoken words and an attitudinal response.
So what’s the way forward in the midst of our church’s flaws? Although, much may be outside of our individual control, God has given us a simple formula for walking through every stage of life with every kind of challenge.
There’s nothing secret or magic about these steps, church hurt, like all other hurt REQUIRES work.
The wisest and safest way forward is always love. Not the kind of love the world has caused us to dwell in. Not the kind of love predicated on just feeling good, but that sacrificial agape love that requires you to love in spite of flaws and not based on someone being flawed.
As Jesus hung on that old rugged cross, He made a request of the Father, “…forgive them, they know not what they do (Luke 23:34)”; truly, one of the most powerful displays of forgiveness ever to be witnessed by man.
The more I understand about forgiveness and communication, the more I am forced into this paradigm of thinking. 1. You can’t meet the Father in unforgiveness, 2. Although, people can appear to know exactly what they’re doing and the pain they are causing, doesn’t mean they do.
I am so glad that Jesus understood the condition of the people, more than the people had the capacity to understand about themselves.
Learn. Love. Grow. Forgive. Repent. Repeat.
Stay on the path of discipleship, knowing it will be jagged at times. Trust that the word of God is doing a mighty work in you and those around you who may be hurting too. It is a truth, hurt people, hurt people.
Love as if your life depends on it, because it does. Love does not mean avoiding tough conversations or life-on-life accountability, but doing those things from a loving, humble, gracious, and patient position which is from a mind and heart like Christ’s.
Of course, none of these steps will make your church experience or relationships perfect. But these truths will change how you process any pain you may feel as a result of your church circle.
They will change your life. And eventually, by God’s grace, they will change your church, too.
“Our past experiences inform our present perceptions.”
Author Unknown
Avis P. Robinson, MA
Grace Out Loud