It was a Wednesday morning when a friend walked into my office emotionally burdened. Overwhelmed by the constant criticism she’s been getting from her husband. As she began to speak she was standing, when I began to speak she took a seat.
She had allowed her husband’s critique of her performance as a wife and mother; both things only a woman can be, place her in a highly emotional state, again. In this instance and many instances before, her, simply being a woman was under attack.
She said he asked if they could have a discussion. After all, they’re married; shouldn’t they be able to have an honest discussion? But, her emotions were too high, she declined.
She couldn’t bring herself to say what she wanted to say. The conversation she was having in her head was marred by rage. She knew if she began to speak it would be explosive, over the top, surely take a turn for the worse; both of their feelings would have been hurt; knowing, once it’s said you can’t take it back.
I applauded her for her reasoning, and her restraint, but then asked that she mentally prepare herself to get back in the ring, and have that critical discussion.
After talking for a while the spirit provided me a snapshot of a once insecure little girl (the girl was me). Her voice crushed in her youth, like so many before. Her speech and confidence repressed through discipline. Her feelings ignited with no means of expression, and the only means of response is emotional saturation. Is this girl you too?
Perhaps the root of our inability to speak to leadership or anyone authoritative sounds like: “Shut up and go to your room!” It didn’t matter if that response was justified, only that you follow the orders to the letter.
Perhaps, our inability is rooted in a beating, and an abundance of shed tears, with still no ability to hear the sound of your voice. No audible words coming from your mouth. Or maybe, our inability sounds like “don’t talk back”, because that’s the ultimate level of disrespect.
Just to be clear, I am not against corporal punishment when necessary, nor am I against training up a child to be respectful. I am against stifling the voice of our youth so they can’t function at full capacity in adulthood.
I am against having to hear our most valuable words only in our heads, attached to a barrage of emotions which produce no sound. I’m against a voice stifled by the false narrative of respect defined. And in that moment I instantly understood why her request for discussion had been declined.
We need permission to speak. We need permission to engage in discussion; not debate, but valuable and results oriented discussion. We need the sound of our voice to produce mutual respect. We need to flip the emotional switch off, and turn up the volume of respectful dialogue. Unfortunately, both dials have been disengaged for far too long.
How do you speak to leadership in an emotionally crowded space? Allow me to set the stage. First, you ask yourself what you hope to gain. Really, ask yourself that question and then, answer it. Now, ask the questions and make the statements that will help get you to that space.
Second, accept the fact that it may not happen as you hope. This way you control your own emotional thermostat. Your main objective, is hearing the sound your voice makes, when it has something important to say. And listen to your voice. Is what you’re saying objective, irrational or emotional?
If it begins to make you cry, it means it’s emotionally burdensome, that’s allowed. However, try to get to the space where you feel it without allowing the emotion to overpower the message. It’s the only way you’ll be able to get it all out. Tears require a great deal of energy. You need that energy to release your message.
Check your motives, are you trying to prove a point or retaliate? Neither will give credibility to a once repressed voice. Be kind, be compassionate, give it your energy, use appropriate demeanor for what you want to achieve. Please revisit step one at any time during your discussion, so you don’t get derailed. And finally, practice.
Practice listening, because it is listening that determines what you speak. Listen, shhhhhhhh, just listen, and then speak to the space that will produce the best outcome for whoever has been privileged to hear what you have to say.
You must repeat this process many many times before it becomes the norm. You may be a full grown adult, and never have fully learned how to engage in discussion with the purpose of getting the greatest result; I was.
Should this be the case fall back on some childhood wisdom, if at first you don’t succeed, try try again, because, I know you can.
Your voice will make room for you.
Avis Robinson, MA Grace Out Loud